Friday, October 11, 2013

Breakthroughs: all they are quacked up to be.



I recently had what we call in the yoga community, a breakthrough (yes! breakthroughs continue to happen even after practicing for 5 years).

I’ve always (unintentionally) operated under the Jacob M. Braude quote, “Always behave like a duck- keep calm and unruffled on the surface, but paddle like the devil underneath.”

At work, giving a presentation – I appear cool, calm and collected while boiling inside. When stepping on an airplane, I pop anxiety pills but appear to an outsider to quietly fall asleep to the drum of the engine. When rock climbing at a great height, you can’t see my heart thumping from the ground because I am scared of heights. And on my mat, my annoyed thoughts toward downward dog echo only in my ears.

In addition, I’ve had a year of great loss. I lost my Uncle Hawk (George), Aunt Carole, Aunt Sandee, my “step-sister” Kara and my dear yoga friend Indrani. Each time I received news of loss, it brought me back to my 20-year-old self when I lost my best friend, my Mother. Only a select few have seen me break down, the paddling underneath. I’ve become very skilled at remaining strong and positive, unruffled on the surface, but almost to a fault.

Recently, during a yoga practice, this became clear to me. I’m not sure that operating under this duck paddling quote means that I am truly living authentically. I realize that I thought if others appeared me how I want to be (cool, calm, collected) then that’s all I needed- I was ‘getting away with’ it. But now, I’m ready to strike a balance. While I am a strong person, I have moments of weakness. I realize I need to accept these moments in order to overcome them – both in appearance and in reality.

So why am I writing about this on my blog that no one reads? I’m not 100% sure, but hope that by putting my intention out into the universe, I will stop hiding my weaknesses… and possibly bring awareness to other fellow ducks in the process.